Panic Attack

Panic Attack

The fast paced breaths,

The cold sweats and the image of my head being in a cage,

My heart yealped and wailed for help,

But the toungue failed.

Staggerig to find my place,
I sit down trying to calm the storm that hit me,
Little did it help,
The old creaky vault of my memories opened up.

Dusting up the old videos of my memories, 
The brain decided to revisit them,
Trying to trace us from the fragmented torned up peices,
Stifling myself even further. 

Episodes like this started to pop up, 
Since we decided to part ways, 
A decision which I was never a part of, 
My heart sinking down an abyss was the only thing I remember. 

For hours I would sit in the dark,
In the very corner of the room where we would cuddle up and be lost in the dreams,
Waiting for you to come and hug me close, 
And not let me be cold beside the fireplace. 

Each sandgrain drops from its place to the bottom of the hourglass,
In slow motion it was like even the time around me was giving me a chance to wake up from my nightmare, 
But it was all in my mind, 
The void never ceased to exist. 

The place which was ours now sublet itself to the empty bottles around me, 
To the smoke which would hover as if asking me to join them, 
Somehow I would survive only to be tortured by the memories of us around me,
Days would pass until you stop living on the canvas hanging on my walls. 

Panic attacks seemed to be my new address of us,
With each attack I would feel a bit closer to you, 
Your fragnance which would keep me housed, 
The touch of yours would keep me away from reality. 

My body now a cocktail of medicines, 
Would beg for more, 
Resisting my will to keep me close to you, 
It would bring me back to the corner of the room. 

Hugging myself, 
As if trying to keep me warm, 
With beads of sweat on my head, 
Trying to gather my fallen strength. 

I would walk my way to you, 
Only to be surrounded by a voice begging to see you, 
Crossing the road while my head spliting itself from my body,
Crashing into a car blocking my path.

The gurney now housing my limp body, 
With morphine now running inside of me, 
I could see you asking for me to come to you,
Obliging I closed my eyes. 

Looking at you hugging me and protecting my brittle soul, 
I clock out of this life, 
While the doctors trying to get me out of my V-Fib, 
I resist every attempt. 

With my open lifeless eyes, 
My memories now the world where I live in, 
Not realising that it was you who held my hand,
When all I could think of was the life that we now live in my memories 

Ghosts

Ghosts

Lurking in the shadows,

Aimlessly walking through the streets,

Drunk out of my senses,

With only you on my mind.

Hallucinating you by my side,
Trying to revive my heart from its collapse,
With the sirens of the cops ringing in my ears,
All I could do was run. 

It was more than what it looked,
A story that was there behind the tired eyes of mine,
The life that people envied, 
A mind which was a once in a generation genius. 

Like Antonio from the Merchant of Venice,
I had a similar life,
Friends and family being the centre of my universe,
Yet there was something missing. 

I saw you in the class,
Those almond eyes behind the spectacles,
Had somehow captured my soul,
Unknown I was to the extent of the tornado that was to come.

It was only a matter of months,
Meetings went to become stayovers,
Stayovers to moving in,
Little sweet nothings shared as we lay besides eachother.

One day, 
The cynide laced dagger waited for me, 
Like a prey caught in the tentacles of darkness, 
It was only a matter of time when the dagger would find its new home.

Days passed but the raven flew over my life, 
It was time now to find the wound which would house the dagger,
Knocked out you sat tied to the chair, 
Time was all I needed to know your intentions. 

Like the sting of a scorpion,
The venom now started to replace the blood,
As sharp edges of the knife kissed the skin,
Your eyes began to tremble.

Years of hatred started to fumble,
With each scream I could sense your fear,
Eyes transfixed on the tear filled eyes,
The revenge was done.

Blood fighting its way for its freedom, 
I could see the life drain out, 
It was not you that I killed,
But my soul that I had freed. 

Sirens and cocking of the guns now the only sound around me, 
I sit in the park where it all started,
Sipping the hemlock laced whiskey that I had kept, 
The cops now getting near to capturing me. 
Sitting was only the flesh of the man they hunted, 
As now the ghosts of the memories had been free.

Goodbye

Goodbye

Laying on the bed,

Surrounded by white lights,

The sound of the machine beeping,

And eerie smell of medicines around me.

As I try to gather my senses, 

My blurry vision trying to focus on the crowd of white coats gathered around me, 

Trying to see for a peculiar face amidst them,

With a slow meeky voice I call out for your name. 

Years have passed but seemed like eternity,

Last saw you with that big heavy suitcase,

Sitting in that yellow cab, 

Looking at me from the corner of your eyes.

I stood there in the house, 

The ghosts from the old memories,

About the time when I had you in my arms, 

During a cold winter breeze.

Or even about that time,

When we were in the middle of a dessert,

With a tent and a bonfire right outside it,

The cold dessert did bring us together.

It was only time till it would pass,

Till I was gonna be sick again,

Cancer they said I had developed,

the signs were there but I never showed it to you. 

It has been several months since we have last seen eachother, 

Struggling to live with the pain, 

Morphine now replaces the blood in the veins, 

I sit here in this bed with an empty syringe, 

Waiting to be thrusted in my arm.

All I can wonder about is you,

 That smile and that sweet valvetine voice,

With the needle in my arms, I feel your touch on my skin

I look up with droopy eyes and just managed to mutter goodbye. 

Out of My Head

Out of My Head

Dark and quiet was the night, 

With just the soft rustling of the leaves, 

And the wind kissing my face, 

I stood there looking at the stars from where I fell, 

Broken and blown away from the things, 

That transpired in the day,
Throwing away the things that do not matter to me, 
Never did I wonder that you would come into that pile,

I was just a novice when you first saw me, 
Lost yet the zeal inside my soul won't fade away,
Struggling on and on with the way the things were at the firm, 
You saw something in me and it just was refreshing to watch. 

Within no time I was in the centre stage,
Running the show like it was my own backyard,
Enthralling everyone with my wit but it needed some finese, 
You knew that in no time I would be ready for the fight I was to fight. 

Years passed, 
We grew old and wise, 
Not in age but in stature, 
We were among the stars.

Power and back stabbing went hand in hand,
Snatching what was ours from the hands of the vultures,
Who stood there and looking to fulfill their own interests,
Fearless and unfazed with the outcome we buried them to the ground.

Till one day I made an error in judgement,,
Being a part of a con which you missed to catch out,
A slight play in motion which was just a perfect game,
Until you would snoop around.

Caught in the crossfire I stood,
Backing you up with my loyalty,
Because for me you were family and no one turns their back on family,
Just then my mistake became public,

With the use of the very cradle that we were a part of,
You became a target,
Knowing that it will bring down our house of cards, 
Deciding that you would be throwing yourself under the bus.

Believeing that the firm would be in our hands, 
In our own control, 
You decided to walk away, 
It wasn't until a few year that you would resurface under unfortunate circumstances.

A threat on the firm loomed,
and you knew it would drive us down,
Deciding to sign off on a satement,
Which would descredit you only if I sign off too,

Hard truths being told is not difficult, 
But telling a white lie and things that should have been said about me, 
Are now gonna be stuck on you forever, 
Ready to take the fall just to make me float.

I stood as I saw you leave, 
Feeling a crashing of the things that we built.
And the shattering of the dreams that we dreamt, 
My soul burning down like a star falling from the sky. 

I stand here saying things about you, 
Which should have been said about me, 
Still trying to live with a guilt which would not get out of my mind,

Standing at our favourite spot,
I look at the stars,
And wondering about how life would have been,
Scarred I stood in the rubble,

Like a little child I searched for you,

It wasn't until then I realised,

That you were gone,

 

Gone away just to protect me,

And making me accept the hard truths.

River

River

 

I have been through a lot,
From heartaches to mind haze,
Everything that you and I worked hard for,
Now is hanging on the balance.

Standing by the edge,
Trying to hold you close by a thread,
My heart yearns for a glimpse of you,
One glimpse and then its done.

Tried hard to tell you,
So let me share a tale,
A story of a man who had everything,
But he choose to forfeit.

Everything he had was  never enough,
His hunger for something better,
Had managed to bring him far,
Only to be stopped by this one roadblock.

A beautiful roadblock who can only be described by poets and writers,
Her skin so smooth and reflecting the soft moonlight,
A smile so vicious which could slay the venomous of snakes,
I was a mere human looking straight into her eyes.

Just like an effect Medusa would have on men,
I stood there like a statue wondering,
About the last time I saw such a girl,
Only to find that you were one of a kind.

I was filled with pride and ambition,
You were filled with love,
As time passed by,
All I could wonder was how lucky I am to have you in my arms,

Some love stories last while some fade,
With each passing day our secrets were out,
People who should have never known,
Had finally found out.

The promises we had made,
Now was put to test,
Everything seemed as a test,
Shouting and fighting to make it work.

Only for you to let go of me,
For what you thought was for my sake,
But all the time the only thing I was trying to do,
Was just to give you what you want.

Like a sinner waiting for the judge to hand out a sentence,
I have been waiting for you to decide,
Decide the fate of the lover in me,
Sitting by the river,
Waiting for you to see past the sins that I have committed.

And as I see you play your end game,
I could see my flaws, paranoia and insecurities,
Become a reality,
All I could think is about the pain running my mind.

Wanting me to take the final drag of the final pack,
See the depth of the river,
And think of it as my bed,
While I am just trying hard to cling on to the final thread.

I Guess It Is Just us Now

I Guess It Is Just Us Now

Life has its own mysterious ways,
To make you walk on the path that it has selected for you,
Just like that I had met you,
A beautiful soul who seemed lost while finding her way out.

Never can I forget how we first met,
When you were caught up in your duty,
Thinking that I was the one who was responsible for the crimes,
Funny story of how criminals get away with the things and the innocent paying off the cost of their sins.

Somehow that one meeting turned out to be a start of something,
Something beautiful or something deranged I don't know,
But the thing that I am very certain about is the fact that I couldn't control myself around you.
My emotions overpowering the world of logic.

I was lost before you swung by,
And then it felt like a story,
How we started interacting beyond work,
And how close we got.

There are relationships which are difficult to describe,
Our's was like that,
We were partners in every single way,
From work to post work socializing.

It was like a relationship,
A relationship which was like a storm,
Every situation had been like a test for us,
Each case that we worked on had been a test.

Then one day I left,
I left the service to work on my own,
But it was you who I was concerned for,
You were bent on finding out something.

Something that was close to you,
A case that meant the world to you,
Willing to sacrifice what was important to you,
I never thought that I would be the one of the many things that you would sacrifice. 

Silently I walked off that night, 
Warning you that your obsession will get you killed, 
But you were hell bent on finding out the truth,
So delusional that you even thought your friends were your enemies,

If only you would have listened to me, 
Listened to the people who mattered, 
But then you were you, 
As the man who was responsible for your nightmares stood there.

And just like that he evaded you, 
Threw you off his trail, 
And lost in the winds, 
With only one bullet shot. 

You were on the floor lying in your own pool of blood,
And then you were being taken away, 
Looking around finding for me, 
Only to realize that I was not there anymore. 

You had woken from a nightmare,
Running from the hospital in the rain just to meet me, 
Like a story unfinished needed to have a good ending,
Now with your storm that is passed,
All I can think is that 
I guess it is just us now. 

In My Veins (The Untold Story) Part Three

In My Veins (The Untold Story) Part Three

The last one or the final nail in the coffin, 

I can't remember the last time that I saw you in pain, 

But today was something different, 

You had fulfilled the last promise you had made. 

Seeing the lifeless corpse being stretchered out,
I shuddered in pain,

Years had passed since I had to bid farewell, 
Still captivated by those magnificent eyes, 
Never had I thought that I would ever leave you,
Yet there was something that had made me go away. 

We had met each other while on a trip, 
You were a lost voyager while I was a woman without a home, 
 Both of us had something in common, 
The world was our playground and we had no permanent address. 

Spending years together, 
Travelling the world no one could have ever guessed the bond that we shared,
It was as if my life was blessing me with your presence,
There is a time in life when you wish to use the pause button and just stay happy,

But it wasn't meant to be, 
When we are blindly in love,
We choose to ignore the devil side of a humans nature,
And embrace the angel that we see in them.

It somehow fades away,
The cocaine and alcohol had destroyed not just your life but my life as well,
Drugs engulfed our relationship while the bottle was just a beaker of poison,
And it did murder a life... our life. 

I had to leave you for your own good,
But little did I know that I would be the one to push you down the ledge,
Years would have passed till I hear about you 
And the poisoned lifeless carcass was not the way I imagined seeing you. 

Venturing into the apartment which was ours, 
 Finding my way through the broken memories of ours, 
Trying to fish with behind the stack of books was a packet, 
and a little note in the packet of drugs. 

It was as if the words from the grave, 
Had come alive, 
"If I'd only been a bit stronger, maybe I wouldn't have murdered us."
And with that I hear the loud and fast ticking of a clock near by. 

Only to find a few sticks of Dynamite hidden behind a desk,
With a smile I accepted the punishment that you had handed me out,
Lighting the last cigarette I had, 
I saw the seconds pass at a speed of a snail. 

Reliving each and every moment that we had shared,
For one more time, 
And like the sky during a celebration, 
Our house lit celebrating our lives. 

One stick, One boom and uniting two lost souls at last,
The burning house had become the gateway for us. 
Years of separation had made the society think that we had moved on from each other, 
Only few knew that at the end of my life, 
I only wished for you to be there at the other side.

With the life being drained out from my eyes,
All I could see is the blood evaporating in the inferno where now I lie,
The moment the last drop left my body,
A shade of black now had covered my eyes. 

For you had finally let go of me, 

As you leave through the cracked skin,

Because all I had felt was you, 

Hidden in my veins.