A Minute

A Minute

Standing at the very place where I met you,

Gazing into the open field,

Listening to the leaves rustling,

Breathing the smell of the dew on top of the grass.

For a second, 

I could feel the warmth of your hand,

Grazing my palm,

The place which became our happy place.

With my mind playing its game,

Seeing you in front of me,

Knowing that you are not here anymore,

I try to call out your name. 

Only to find my tongue-tied,

My breathing shallow,

Tears welling up in my eyes,

With little strength to stand, my knees start to buckle.

Sipping the whiskey, 

I look at you fading in the background,

Realizing that it was just my memory being plagued by you,

Closing my eyes only to be tormented by your voice, "It's going to be alright Udit".

You left me for your heart,

Forgetting that you took mine along,

Leaving me in the house where it all began,

Sentencing my punishment to be held captive by your memories.

With my body filled with the scars from the cuts I would make,

Looking for a way to find an escape from you,

Shuddering in pain my body trembles, 

Broken I stand in front of the empty room only to be engulfed by the guilt of my behaviour.

Staggering my way to have I final glimpse,

I drive through the madhouse, 

Trying to catch a break from the pain,

Breathing slowly mumbling the words I have left unsaid.

Drunk out of my mind,

Yelling your name,

I see our life running like a film reel in front of me,

Only to see the little diamonds whizzing, kissing my skin, my head thuds into the steering wheel.

Waking up with drowsy eyes,

I hear you call out my name,

Like a maniac, I let myself loose from the steel mesh I was entrapped in,

Entombed by your memories, shrieking like a little child lost in the circus. 

The smell of the dew hit my nostrils,

The smell of the fresh meadow,

The little fragrance of you,

Plunging myself to the last happy memory that I had.

I see you with your hair wet,

With little beads of water on your forehead,

You hold my head making me lost in those mesmerising eyes of yours,

Kissing me on my forehead. 

Trying to struggle on my feet, 

I realise the surrounding around me,

How fitting it is to end the tale we had started at the very place where it began,

Trying to reach for your hand I step forward,

Dripping little beads of red on top of the green grass,

Hearing the sirens from a distance,

I could see you fade away smiling at me, 

Like a demolished building, I collapse on the ground,

Mouthing your name for the final time.

Asking the Lord for a minute,

A minute to just look at you, 

A minute to just hear your voice for the final time, 

Just one final minute. 

With my eyes wide open, 

And your name the only voice coming out of my bloody heap,

The silence was all I got in return,

As the people try to lift me up,

I saw your ghost for the final time, 

With that same beaming smile,

Standing there, long enough for the final beads of blood to escape my body,

Sleeping for the final time with my lifeless eyes wide open.

The Silence

The Silence

Holding myself like a child I wail,
In the field surrounded by nothing but darkness and the ghosts that haunt me, 
Mustering up the courage to stand, I collapse, 
Dazing into the starry skies hearing nothing but just your voice. 

"Udit, I miss you. It is lonely over here",
Says the ghost of you that has crippled my life today,
Torturing myself with the guilt of what I must have forced you to go through,
I stagger towards the broken house which was ours.

Smelling the air which lets go of the hounds from my past,
"Breathe, just breathe", the ghost voiced cradling my head in her laps, 

Dazed and on my knees my body started to tremble, 
I close my eyes just to figure out how I ended up here.

Funny how the one who saved me from my own abyss,
Became the one who pushed my soul back from where I took off,
Never would I have thought that this is what our love will turn into,
From gardens filled with lilies to ruins of a building waiting for its bricks to fall.

Our love had metamorphosed from the happy silence to the shrill scream in the middle of the night, 
The blackbirds now hover me as if a message from God himself,
Begging for me to come to his shelter,
With little courage, I muster my strength to stand up.  

Standing in front of you,
Asking the unanswered questions,
Your heart took you away from me,
Reminding me of my failures. 

Spiralling down the rabbit hole,
Laughing like a maniac, 
I lunged forward for the drawer which held my gate pass,
Looking at you with nothing but forgiveness in my eyes.

With one snap, I find myself crumbling into a heap of flesh. 
Sighing for one last time, flashbacks racing in my head for the last time. 
Our first ice cream, to us, holding hands in the cold. 
From our first kiss to the last goodbye. 

The loud sirens breaking the tranquillity of the night,
Surrounded by people trying to find their way to me,
Only to find me with a wound in my chest,
In the little red pool.

Trying hard to resuscitate me,
I see you standing in the crowd that surrounds me,
Teary-eyed only to see me smile for the last time,
With a sigh I let you go of your misery. 

As the darkness now houses my vision,
I pay Charon for my final voyage,
Looking back at you for one final time,
Wondering how the silence between us became our fall.

Panic Attack

Panic Attack

The fast paced breaths,

The cold sweats and the image of my head being in a cage,

My heart yealped and wailed for help,

But the toungue failed.

Staggerig to find my place,
I sit down trying to calm the storm that hit me,
Little did it help,
The old creaky vault of my memories opened up.

Dusting up the old videos of my memories, 
The brain decided to revisit them,
Trying to trace us from the fragmented torned up peices,
Stifling myself even further. 

Episodes like this started to pop up, 
Since we decided to part ways, 
A decision which I was never a part of, 
My heart sinking down an abyss was the only thing I remember. 

For hours I would sit in the dark,
In the very corner of the room where we would cuddle up and be lost in the dreams,
Waiting for you to come and hug me close, 
And not let me be cold beside the fireplace. 

Each sandgrain drops from its place to the bottom of the hourglass,
In slow motion it was like even the time around me was giving me a chance to wake up from my nightmare, 
But it was all in my mind, 
The void never ceased to exist. 

The place which was ours now sublet itself to the empty bottles around me, 
To the smoke which would hover as if asking me to join them, 
Somehow I would survive only to be tortured by the memories of us around me,
Days would pass until you stop living on the canvas hanging on my walls. 

Panic attacks seemed to be my new address of us,
With each attack I would feel a bit closer to you, 
Your fragnance which would keep me housed, 
The touch of yours would keep me away from reality. 

My body now a cocktail of medicines, 
Would beg for more, 
Resisting my will to keep me close to you, 
It would bring me back to the corner of the room. 

Hugging myself, 
As if trying to keep me warm, 
With beads of sweat on my head, 
Trying to gather my fallen strength. 

I would walk my way to you, 
Only to be surrounded by a voice begging to see you, 
Crossing the road while my head spliting itself from my body,
Crashing into a car blocking my path.

The gurney now housing my limp body, 
With morphine now running inside of me, 
I could see you asking for me to come to you,
Obliging I closed my eyes. 

Looking at you hugging me and protecting my brittle soul, 
I clock out of this life, 
While the doctors trying to get me out of my V-Fib, 
I resist every attempt. 

With my open lifeless eyes, 
My memories now the world where I live in, 
Not realising that it was you who held my hand,
When all I could think of was the life that we now live in my memories 

Ghosts

Ghosts

Lurking in the shadows,

Aimlessly walking through the streets,

Drunk out of my senses,

With only you on my mind.

Hallucinating you by my side,
Trying to revive my heart from its collapse,
With the sirens of the cops ringing in my ears,
All I could do was run. 

It was more than what it looked,
A story that was there behind the tired eyes of mine,
The life that people envied, 
A mind which was a once in a generation genius. 

Like Antonio from the Merchant of Venice,
I had a similar life,
Friends and family being the centre of my universe,
Yet there was something missing. 

I saw you in the class,
Those almond eyes behind the spectacles,
Had somehow captured my soul,
Unknown I was to the extent of the tornado that was to come.

It was only a matter of months,
Meetings went to become stayovers,
Stayovers to moving in,
Little sweet nothings shared as we lay besides eachother.

One day, 
The cynide laced dagger waited for me, 
Like a prey caught in the tentacles of darkness, 
It was only a matter of time when the dagger would find its new home.

Days passed but the raven flew over my life, 
It was time now to find the wound which would house the dagger,
Knocked out you sat tied to the chair, 
Time was all I needed to know your intentions. 

Like the sting of a scorpion,
The venom now started to replace the blood,
As sharp edges of the knife kissed the skin,
Your eyes began to tremble.

Years of hatred started to fumble,
With each scream I could sense your fear,
Eyes transfixed on the tear filled eyes,
The revenge was done.

Blood fighting its way for its freedom, 
I could see the life drain out, 
It was not you that I killed,
But my soul that I had freed. 

Sirens and cocking of the guns now the only sound around me, 
I sit in the park where it all started,
Sipping the hemlock laced whiskey that I had kept, 
The cops now getting near to capturing me. 
Sitting was only the flesh of the man they hunted, 
As now the ghosts of the memories had been free.

Goodbye

Goodbye

Laying on the bed,

Surrounded by white lights,

The sound of the machine beeping,

And eerie smell of medicines around me.

As I try to gather my senses, 

My blurry vision trying to focus on the crowd of white coats gathered around me, 

Trying to see for a peculiar face amidst them,

With a slow meeky voice I call out for your name. 

Years have passed but seemed like eternity,

Last saw you with that big heavy suitcase,

Sitting in that yellow cab, 

Looking at me from the corner of your eyes.

I stood there in the house, 

The ghosts from the old memories,

About the time when I had you in my arms, 

During a cold winter breeze.

Or even about that time,

When we were in the middle of a dessert,

With a tent and a bonfire right outside it,

The cold dessert did bring us together.

It was only time till it would pass,

Till I was gonna be sick again,

Cancer they said I had developed,

the signs were there but I never showed it to you. 

It has been several months since we have last seen eachother, 

Struggling to live with the pain, 

Morphine now replaces the blood in the veins, 

I sit here in this bed with an empty syringe, 

Waiting to be thrusted in my arm.

All I can wonder about is you,

 That smile and that sweet valvetine voice,

With the needle in my arms, I feel your touch on my skin

I look up with droopy eyes and just managed to mutter goodbye. 

Out of My Head

Out of My Head

Dark and quiet was the night, 

With just the soft rustling of the leaves, 

And the wind kissing my face, 

I stood there looking at the stars from where I fell, 

Broken and blown away from the things, 

That transpired in the day,
Throwing away the things that do not matter to me, 
Never did I wonder that you would come into that pile,

I was just a novice when you first saw me, 
Lost yet the zeal inside my soul won't fade away,
Struggling on and on with the way the things were at the firm, 
You saw something in me and it just was refreshing to watch. 

Within no time I was in the centre stage,
Running the show like it was my own backyard,
Enthralling everyone with my wit but it needed some finese, 
You knew that in no time I would be ready for the fight I was to fight. 

Years passed, 
We grew old and wise, 
Not in age but in stature, 
We were among the stars.

Power and back stabbing went hand in hand,
Snatching what was ours from the hands of the vultures,
Who stood there and looking to fulfill their own interests,
Fearless and unfazed with the outcome we buried them to the ground.

Till one day I made an error in judgement,,
Being a part of a con which you missed to catch out,
A slight play in motion which was just a perfect game,
Until you would snoop around.

Caught in the crossfire I stood,
Backing you up with my loyalty,
Because for me you were family and no one turns their back on family,
Just then my mistake became public,

With the use of the very cradle that we were a part of,
You became a target,
Knowing that it will bring down our house of cards, 
Deciding that you would be throwing yourself under the bus.

Believeing that the firm would be in our hands, 
In our own control, 
You decided to walk away, 
It wasn't until a few year that you would resurface under unfortunate circumstances.

A threat on the firm loomed,
and you knew it would drive us down,
Deciding to sign off on a satement,
Which would descredit you only if I sign off too,

Hard truths being told is not difficult, 
But telling a white lie and things that should have been said about me, 
Are now gonna be stuck on you forever, 
Ready to take the fall just to make me float.

I stood as I saw you leave, 
Feeling a crashing of the things that we built.
And the shattering of the dreams that we dreamt, 
My soul burning down like a star falling from the sky. 

I stand here saying things about you, 
Which should have been said about me, 
Still trying to live with a guilt which would not get out of my mind,

Standing at our favourite spot,
I look at the stars,
And wondering about how life would have been,
Scarred I stood in the rubble,

Like a little child I searched for you,

It wasn't until then I realised,

That you were gone,

 

Gone away just to protect me,

And making me accept the hard truths.

River

River

 

I have been through a lot,
From heartaches to mind haze,
Everything that you and I worked hard for,
Now is hanging on the balance.

Standing by the edge,
Trying to hold you close by a thread,
My heart yearns for a glimpse of you,
One glimpse and then its done.

Tried hard to tell you,
So let me share a tale,
A story of a man who had everything,
But he choose to forfeit.

Everything he had was  never enough,
His hunger for something better,
Had managed to bring him far,
Only to be stopped by this one roadblock.

A beautiful roadblock who can only be described by poets and writers,
Her skin so smooth and reflecting the soft moonlight,
A smile so vicious which could slay the venomous of snakes,
I was a mere human looking straight into her eyes.

Just like an effect Medusa would have on men,
I stood there like a statue wondering,
About the last time I saw such a girl,
Only to find that you were one of a kind.

I was filled with pride and ambition,
You were filled with love,
As time passed by,
All I could wonder was how lucky I am to have you in my arms,

Some love stories last while some fade,
With each passing day our secrets were out,
People who should have never known,
Had finally found out.

The promises we had made,
Now was put to test,
Everything seemed as a test,
Shouting and fighting to make it work.

Only for you to let go of me,
For what you thought was for my sake,
But all the time the only thing I was trying to do,
Was just to give you what you want.

Like a sinner waiting for the judge to hand out a sentence,
I have been waiting for you to decide,
Decide the fate of the lover in me,
Sitting by the river,
Waiting for you to see past the sins that I have committed.

And as I see you play your end game,
I could see my flaws, paranoia and insecurities,
Become a reality,
All I could think is about the pain running my mind.

Wanting me to take the final drag of the final pack,
See the depth of the river,
And think of it as my bed,
While I am just trying hard to cling on to the final thread.