Panic Attack

Panic Attack

The fast paced breaths,

The cold sweats and the image of my head being in a cage,

My heart yealped and wailed for help,

But the toungue failed.

Staggerig to find my place,
I sit down trying to calm the storm that hit me,
Little did it help,
The old creaky vault of my memories opened up.

Dusting up the old videos of my memories, 
The brain decided to revisit them,
Trying to trace us from the fragmented torned up peices,
Stifling myself even further. 

Episodes like this started to pop up, 
Since we decided to part ways, 
A decision which I was never a part of, 
My heart sinking down an abyss was the only thing I remember. 

For hours I would sit in the dark,
In the very corner of the room where we would cuddle up and be lost in the dreams,
Waiting for you to come and hug me close, 
And not let me be cold beside the fireplace. 

Each sandgrain drops from its place to the bottom of the hourglass,
In slow motion it was like even the time around me was giving me a chance to wake up from my nightmare, 
But it was all in my mind, 
The void never ceased to exist. 

The place which was ours now sublet itself to the empty bottles around me, 
To the smoke which would hover as if asking me to join them, 
Somehow I would survive only to be tortured by the memories of us around me,
Days would pass until you stop living on the canvas hanging on my walls. 

Panic attacks seemed to be my new address of us,
With each attack I would feel a bit closer to you, 
Your fragnance which would keep me housed, 
The touch of yours would keep me away from reality. 

My body now a cocktail of medicines, 
Would beg for more, 
Resisting my will to keep me close to you, 
It would bring me back to the corner of the room. 

Hugging myself, 
As if trying to keep me warm, 
With beads of sweat on my head, 
Trying to gather my fallen strength. 

I would walk my way to you, 
Only to be surrounded by a voice begging to see you, 
Crossing the road while my head spliting itself from my body,
Crashing into a car blocking my path.

The gurney now housing my limp body, 
With morphine now running inside of me, 
I could see you asking for me to come to you,
Obliging I closed my eyes. 

Looking at you hugging me and protecting my brittle soul, 
I clock out of this life, 
While the doctors trying to get me out of my V-Fib, 
I resist every attempt. 

With my open lifeless eyes, 
My memories now the world where I live in, 
Not realising that it was you who held my hand,
When all I could think of was the life that we now live in my memories 

Ghosts

Ghosts

Lurking in the shadows,

Aimlessly walking through the streets,

Drunk out of my senses,

With only you on my mind.

Hallucinating you by my side,
Trying to revive my heart from its collapse,
With the sirens of the cops ringing in my ears,
All I could do was run. 

It was more than what it looked,
A story that was there behind the tired eyes of mine,
The life that people envied, 
A mind which was a once in a generation genius. 

Like Antonio from the Merchant of Venice,
I had a similar life,
Friends and family being the centre of my universe,
Yet there was something missing. 

I saw you in the class,
Those almond eyes behind the spectacles,
Had somehow captured my soul,
Unknown I was to the extent of the tornado that was to come.

It was only a matter of months,
Meetings went to become stayovers,
Stayovers to moving in,
Little sweet nothings shared as we lay besides eachother.

One day, 
The cynide laced dagger waited for me, 
Like a prey caught in the tentacles of darkness, 
It was only a matter of time when the dagger would find its new home.

Days passed but the raven flew over my life, 
It was time now to find the wound which would house the dagger,
Knocked out you sat tied to the chair, 
Time was all I needed to know your intentions. 

Like the sting of a scorpion,
The venom now started to replace the blood,
As sharp edges of the knife kissed the skin,
Your eyes began to tremble.

Years of hatred started to fumble,
With each scream I could sense your fear,
Eyes transfixed on the tear filled eyes,
The revenge was done.

Blood fighting its way for its freedom, 
I could see the life drain out, 
It was not you that I killed,
But my soul that I had freed. 

Sirens and cocking of the guns now the only sound around me, 
I sit in the park where it all started,
Sipping the hemlock laced whiskey that I had kept, 
The cops now getting near to capturing me. 
Sitting was only the flesh of the man they hunted, 
As now the ghosts of the memories had been free.

Goodbye

Goodbye

Laying on the bed,

Surrounded by white lights,

The sound of the machine beeping,

And eerie smell of medicines around me.

As I try to gather my senses, 

My blurry vision trying to focus on the crowd of white coats gathered around me, 

Trying to see for a peculiar face amidst them,

With a slow meeky voice I call out for your name. 

Years have passed but seemed like eternity,

Last saw you with that big heavy suitcase,

Sitting in that yellow cab, 

Looking at me from the corner of your eyes.

I stood there in the house, 

The ghosts from the old memories,

About the time when I had you in my arms, 

During a cold winter breeze.

Or even about that time,

When we were in the middle of a dessert,

With a tent and a bonfire right outside it,

The cold dessert did bring us together.

It was only time till it would pass,

Till I was gonna be sick again,

Cancer they said I had developed,

the signs were there but I never showed it to you. 

It has been several months since we have last seen eachother, 

Struggling to live with the pain, 

Morphine now replaces the blood in the veins, 

I sit here in this bed with an empty syringe, 

Waiting to be thrusted in my arm.

All I can wonder about is you,

 That smile and that sweet valvetine voice,

With the needle in my arms, I feel your touch on my skin

I look up with droopy eyes and just managed to mutter goodbye.